I don't know about you, but I've wrestled with the very idea of "Who am I?", and "What's my purpose in this world?" I have memories as a kid where I would stare strangely at my arms, as I moved it around, and wiggled my fingers back and forth. I've wondered how is it that with an inhale and exhale, I'm alive. I didn't know that every bad thing that I experienced as child, was going to try to stop me from achieving my full potential....or become all that God had designed me to be.
You see, I've been on this journey of healing....not the physical kind of healing....well, kind of. But more the emotional kind of healing. I've been chatting with a professional for over a year, and through her I'm experiencing such freedom in my thoughts, and in who I've believed I am.
I'm learning that my dad leaving our family before I was born played a greater part in my emotional health than I thought. Abandonment has a way of rewiring the brain to think, believe, and process life in ways that was not originally intended for us. Friends, don't miss this. God's original intent was not for us to experience disease, pain, suffering, absent parents, abuse and more.
Now allow me to clarify, I've had an amazing healing process of reconciliation with my dad. My dad is present in my life now. But friends, the long term of effects of abandonment are in fact still present. I'm talking about my core beliefs. What I believe to be true about myself. Which was hard for me to admit, but after my first session with my therapist, she said," Well, I think it's best that we dig deeper into your abandonment." I looked at her confused, as I didn't understand how that was an ongoing issue. Now 18 months later, I do.
So how does one find healing?
Well, for me I've been doing what's called inner child healing! I'm learning to connect with my little girl, and see how she's feeling, and with someone who has used dissociation as a way to cope with life is no easy task.
Here's the 3 steps I use when I'm having all the feels, also known as triggers.
Step 1. What am I feeling?
When I'm triggered (having all the feels), I take a moment to pause and ask myself, "What am I feeling?" This is when I take the time to connect with my inner self, my little girl. At first, she didn't feel really safe to share herself with me. But now, it's almost instant that I can know what is actually going on with me. Why? Because the more I get healed, the more she gets developed and can process things in a way that's much healthier. When your inner self helps you to see what you're feeling....
Step 2. Identify the lie!
It's going to reveal a lie.
For example, yesterday we found out our budget for the firehouse has doubled, with all the extra work that needs to get done in order to get the building up to code. This overwhelming feeling of being suffocated overcame me, and I immediately began to feel anxiety. I asked myself, "What's going on. What am I feeling?" You see, in the past I would have binged on food, which I'm not going to lie, I wanted to do that last night. But now I'm learning how to cope with my real feelings. So, I stopped what I was doing, and immediately connected with myself to identify the lies, I"m always going to be broke. Our finances will never be enough. I'm always going to be in debt." flooded my mind. You see at my core, I believe that I will never amount to anything. I won't be successful, that all of my peers will but me. This is called "Failure to Achieve" according to Schema Therapy.
Step 3. Ask Jesus, "Is this lie true? Is this what you have for me, or how you see me?"
Friends, this next part is so crucial, because it's not just identifying the lie that's going to bring healing, it's asking Jesus to come into the lie, where He can reveal the truth for and over you. Scripture describes the enemy as the Father of Liars. And if he's the father of liars, then God is the father of truth.
For example, when I was able to identify my lie, I asked him is this lie true? And immediately he spoke John 10:10 to me, "A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."
I may have cried a little.
Why? What does this mean?
Well, I'm able to now see that my broken childhood was the way the enemy tried to destroy all of who God made me to be, and all that he put inside of me when I was being formed in my mother's womb. The enemy tried to kill my identity, and my dreams by feeding me so many lies that I believe are truth, but really aren't.
My worth, and success isn't tied to my bank account, it's not based on where I fall on the economic social ladder. And God is definitely not out to get me or make my life more difficult. He wants nothing but good for me, and for all of us. He wants nothing more than to give us every single dream of ours and make it a reality, more than we can ever have imagined or dreamed of. Friends, this is the truth!!!
I pray that in the moments where you find yourself triggered, or having all the feels, that you would connect with yourself on a deeper level, find the lie, and let the truth flood in such a way that you sense nothing but love from our heavenly father.
I pray that you would be wrecked by His perfect love. That you would walk through your own emotional healing journey in whatever way that looks, and know that every piece of your story can be turned around, and reformatted for something good. Your past does not dictate your future. Your mistakes doesn't make you a failure. Your brokenness does not make you unworthy!
Until next time,
Jasmine